The Unstoppable Korgoth: The Prideful Barbarian

The post below was submitted by /u/lordpoee to https://www.reddit.com/r/dndstories/, you can see the original post here.

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You might remember a brief but much loved show called 'Korgoth of Barbaria." After [Adult Swim] teased viewers with a bump promising the shows return...but we instead got Saul of the Molemen...I was deeply disappointed. I was however determined to continue his tale.

So my buddy was running a game and he asked me to write up a character. Naturally, I chose a barbarian and named him "Korgoth of Ten Tribes." He hailed from a land of ice and snow. The death of his father left him next in line to be Cheifton. Rather than fulfill his obligations, he left southward seeking escape and adventure.

Korgoth made quite a name for himself too. Over the years, he fought dragons, demons and worse. He died and was resurrected as a golem. After literally shattering a universe with his fist, Korgoth found himself in his own body again. Forever changed by the experience he returned home and dethroned his brother. As Jarl he united the Ten-Tribes into the Kingdom of Ten-Tribes.

Korgoth solved almost everything through sheer application of force. He leapt from a 100 foot cliff simply to avoid walking the long-road around it. It should be noted that the bard and Korgoth's own herald also leapt that day...and survived. Not even Korgoth's own kinsmen, a warrior of the ten-tribes would leap with him. Korgoth later proclaimed of the bard,

"Chuck Finley is not a bitch."

Enough of the background. The barbarian king had never bothered to learn a single language other than common. This oversight ultimately led to his shocking demise.

Korgoth and the rest of the crew encountered some Goblins they hadn't expected. They had just spent the last few days killing minotaurs in the ruins of an ancient temple. Now they saw a band of goblins riding war-machines and blocking their way.

"Squaa squeee gway urordo!" Shouted the goblins as Korgoth approached them with a deep, fiery hatred in his eyes.

"Why the hell are you in my way?" Korgoth demanded while standing toe-to-toe with one of the war-machines.

"Skave! Duro!" The goblin commander responded.

Had Korgoth bothered to learn what the goblins were saying he would have learned that they were allies of his dwarfen friend. This would have ended in beer and sausages.

He didn't though. Korgoth was convinced the Goblin was making fun of him. So he drew his axe and sword and leapt toward the commander. It was a spectacular leap. Then, I his player, rolled a '1'.

In doing so, Korgoth provoked an attack of opportunity from not one but three goblin war machines. Korgoth, who once survived being pin-cushioned by the bolts of an entire city-guard; was no match for two ballistas and a goblin cannon. He was killed instantly...

..then he returned as a God of beer and steel but that is another story for another time.

Failing Checks

After dispatching the Black Half Dragon, we worked our way into her bedroom in the castle. Unfortunately, a red wizard apprentice was in the room. Suprised by our intrusion, the wizard stumbled onto a magic rug, which promptly devoured him.

Investigating the room, we came across a chest, which was locked. Not deterred, and also not experienced in lock picking, Skrillyn the monk and Salar the druid both went to town on the locked chest, with the thieves tools procured by Duri. It went epically poor.

Unprecedented 4 consecutive natural 1s on dex check, constitution saving throw, dex check, medicine check #dnd #dnd5e

— Wild Magic Gaming (@WildMagicGaming) October 29, 2016

The attempts left us badly damaged and in retreat to our quarters. Killing half dragons and wizards proved far easier than the chest.

Trouble with Kenkus

The task of our group was to gather enough followers in this small town to convince the gatekeeper of the nearby cathedral that the religion we followed was real, in order to allow our “highest priest” to enter. The dragonborn fighter in the group, assuming it would be easy, chose to schmooze everyone he saw. The party were directed to an old lady that may help us if we could help her.

As we approached the old woman sitting on her porch, the fighter said aloud “well isn’t that the sexiest woman I ever saw!” Blushing but otherwise unfazed, the old lady sent the party to work.

The party consisted of three adventurers, the dragonborn fighter, and two birdfolk, one a Kenku. Now, Kenkus are supremely intelligent, as they can speak and understand 5 languages, as well as mimic any sound they hear (such as sizzling bacon). However, they can only communicate through sounds they have already heard, making conversation very difficult.

The party struggled but was successful in fending off giant rats in the old lady’s basement. They made off for the mayor’s house, because they heard he had lost his kid. The mayor tells the adventurers his 5 year old daughter ran off, and needs to be found. The adventurers traveled through a cave, in which they could not find her, before returning to the Mayor’s home and finding the girl up in a tree not but feet from the house.

Instinctively, the Kenku shouted “well isn’t that the sexiest woman I ever saw!”

Surprise

After speaking with the stone giant, we made our plan to take down Rezmir. What we came up with was an ambush in our room just down the hall from Rezmir's. Back at the castle, we had stolen a golden statue belonging to the cultists. We placed that statue on a desk and requested word be sent to Rezmir that she be needed in the room regarding stolen items.

You don't get very many 4th level spells as a level 8 wizard. We spent the one on invisibility for most of the party, hoping it could buy us one free round of attacks on Rezmir. It worked!

We found hiding places (easier to do when invisible), Skrillyn and Bromide by the door, Duri in the corner, and Salar, who was not invisible, hiding outside on the balcony. Silently we waited.

After a few moments, the door slid open. A towering figure loomed in the doorway. Not ready for combat, Rezmir's sword remained sheathed behind her. Two steps into the room, Skrillyn lunged forward, attempting to take the sword from her. Effortlessly he grasped the sword, pulled it away, and threw it across the room.

Giant snake et all under the plaatic baggy of total darkness #dnd #dnd5e pic.twitter.com/TNZtvmfupZ

— Wild Magic Gaming (@WildMagicGaming) October 29, 2016

Suddenly, almost the entire room went dark. Unseen chaos ensued. Magic missiles were fired, punches were thrown, acid went everywhere, and Rezmir tripped over Bromide in her attempt to escape. Duri stood alone outside the darkness, uncertain of anything going on inside. Before too long, the light returned, and before Duri stood Bromide, Skrillyn, and a really, really big snake. Rezmir lay silently beneath them.

In our best effort to hide what he had done. We turned her into dust and threw her ashes off the balcony.